I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
