I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I forget how to act sober
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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