Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
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