Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
