that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
