i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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