he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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