Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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