I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
