so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
