I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
