So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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