tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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