Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
