Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
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