I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
