3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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