like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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