her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
How does one acquire holy water?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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