People in love make me want to vomit
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
