i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
