How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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