I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
this boner is exhausting
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
