If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
