I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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