never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We left the knife in your bed.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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