Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
