He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
