I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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