I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
