the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it was like his penis was on wheels.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
