You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
