I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
