Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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