Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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