So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
