So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
