I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Well I just put wine in my tea
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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