Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
