It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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