Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
