Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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