What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
