All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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