Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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