in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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