He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
