woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
