Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
