If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
