do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Randomize
