While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
